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In
part
two of this series, we discussed the first paragraph in your cover
letter. This week, we look at the second paragraph.
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WARNING: Like last Monday, you may think you need to be a phonics geek to
get this right. Relax. It's not that hard.
First, let's take a look at a ridiculously bad
cover letter, then see where the fictitious job seeker
went horribly, horribly wrong.
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Second Paragraph From Hell
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"After
leaving my small town of 4,000 people, I attended a four-year school that
provided me with a degree. Two years after getting my A.S.S.
from BCC, I was promoted to the position of team manager at XYZ Corp., as
you can see on my resume. Then, after being fired for violating
company Internet policy, I took several telemarketing jobs before I got
another manager job, this time at ABC All Night Waffles. Because of
my vast experience, I feel qualified to work anywhere."
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Oh,
dear me! Where to begin on this one? This job hunter fumbled
the snap and lost control of the ball!
Passivity kills.
All of the sentences are in a passive structure (e.g. "After___, I
____..." and "Because of my___..." ).
Active sentence structures work better (e.g. "My skills are..."
and "I raised..."). Note the
difference in the placement of the subject and verb - active sentences
typically have their subjects near the beginning. Passive sentences
have the opposite structure. They also lead the reader to think you
were merely present during activity, whereas active sentences show that you
caused some action to take place. Writing cover letters, like playing left
tackle, requires activeness.
Call signals. Most
employers won't fault you for abbreviating your degree (e.g.
"Bachelor's" vs. "B.S."), but make sure you use the
right letters. If you have an Associate's, then you either have an A.A.S. - OR - an A.O.S. (not
an A.S.S.!!!). Also, spell out the name of
the college you went to. Potential employers may not be familiar with
the abbreviation of your prior place of employment, either, so it's usually
a good idea to spell it out. On your resume. Not your cover
letter.
From the Department of Redundancy Department. The line, "...as you can see on my
resume" practically shouts to employers that you're just putting your
resume in prose form. Your second paragraph should provide
additional, supplemental information - not a summation. Even the Pittsburgh Steelers wouldn't have
much success if all they did was run Jerome Bettis right off center
TMI! TMI! Your cover letter and resume
should never, NEVER raise red flags. Unfortunately, our
candidate provided information about why she was terminated. Further,
the information rambles. What employer wants to hire someone who
writes - or speaks - this way?!? People tend to think how they write,
after all.
Closed out. Reread
the last sentence in our example. If you were a manager, would you
think our candidate was qualified to work for you? After reading
about her A.S.S. degree? Now that you know
she surfs the 'Net when she should be working? Do you think she's
qualified to work anywhere - let alone for you?!?
Compare that with...
A Better Second Paragraph
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"My skills
set closely matches those needed in the Accounts Payable position, and, upon
speaking with a few of your employees, my personality seems to be a fit
with your company culture. I have noted XYZ's
growing market share by reading back issues of The Journal. XYZ was
also praised last month in The Chronicle for its impressive potential.
I want to share in XYZ's success and help it
realize its potential. I have the skills
to make a substantial contribution."
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Mention the match.
You want to make it obvious that your skills fit the position for which
you're applying. The only way to drive this point home is to mention
it once or twice.
So this one's not bulk e-mailed? Impressive! This time, our candidate has actually done a
little research on the company by talking with employees and doing a bit of
reading. The hiring manager will likely be startled, as too few job
hunters do any research before sending a resume. This added touch
raises the candidate's odds of being hired. It also raises the
candidate's perceived value.
IN THE CARAVAN: To make
your cover letter sing, do some company research, use an active sentence
structure and don't raise red flags.
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bSafari.c
The Lion’s Pride: Resumes